We’re very grateful that one of our colleagues, Clare Henderson, took time to share her personal and powerful story. Clare reflects on what Bereaved Parents Month means and on offering advice to those who know, or work with parents who have been bereaved.
“For me, Bereaved Parents Month is an opportunity to reflect on the impact that child loss has on a parent and the rest of the family.
“Bereaved parents can feel very alone in our life experience and grief – our life, as we know it, has been shattered. And there are a surprising number of us too.
“My son Daniel died in August 2020 in a car accident, two weeks after his 18th birthday. It was devastating – he’d got great A level results and was looking forward to starting a degree in economics at Bristol University the following month.
“He was a wonderful young man who enjoyed life and had so many plans for his future. As his mum I was very close to him with a strong shared bond. His death was visceral and overwhelming – it would have been very easy to let myself sink.
“However, my daughter Celia was 15 when Daniel died and in her second year of GCSEs – I knew that my reaction to this tragedy would influence her ability to manage this trauma and grief, both now and during her lifetime. I would say both Daniel and Celia gave me the strength and courage to hold both the immense and ongoing sorrow as well as the determination to live my best life despite what has happened.
“Daniel lived his 18 years of life to the full, he was happy and we shared a great love. I have no regrets about things I could have done during his lifetime and this gives a sense of calm. I also knew he would be devastated to know the impact his death has had on us. Celia gave me the survival instinct – she has her life ahead of her and I want her to be resilient and happy.”
What advice would you share with people who may be grieving?
“Look after your physical and mental health as grief takes a huge toll and is exhausting. I cycle to work and do yoga – both of these have helped hugely – to the extent that even if I’m not working in the office, I will sometimes cycle the 14 mile round trip to Islington before work in order to get those endorphins!
“Being out in nature too – there is something comforting in the fact that whatever is happening in our lives, nature continues. The cosmos is a big place and Daniel is still here somewhere.
“Finally, focus on what you still have, not on the loss and the “what ifs”. Nothing will bring your loved one back – but Daniel is with me constantly and I have a lot to still be thankful for.”
And to those around them – friends, colleagues?
“I’d advise those around people who have recently lost a child to be incredibly mindful about how that person’s life has changed and how your conversations may land.
“Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a parent and there is a balance to be struck about how much we bring of ourselves to work – by which I’m not saying don’t talk about your family with a bereaved parent (I love talking about Daniel as well as Celia), I would just ask people to be mindful.
“And please don’t use words like “getting closure” or “moving on” – Daniel remains as central in my life now as he ever did.”
What support have you benefitted from?
“Grief is personal and individual. We are lucky to work in the public sector where employers provide flexibility for staff. I took two months off work when Daniel died, which doesn’t sound long, but reflects the benefit I got from having structure and focus in my life outside of my family life. Not everyone feels the same but keeping busy has been an important part of my coping strategy.
“I go to a peer support group run by a national charity called The Compassionate Friends which meets monthly in Kilburn. This means I can meet other bereaved parents and reflect on my experiences through listening to them.”
Resources are also available on the intranet to support you with your mental health and wellbeing. If you need urgent help for your mental health, get help from NHS 111 online or call 111.